@matigo When it was supposed to play the little bongo drum thing, there was a loud brrrrrap then nothing. Go back to Windows and there's nothing but static and popping from both the headphones and the rear connection.
Not sure if there's some firmware thing involved or what but removing the device and drivers, allowing Windows to reinstall drivers and me manually adding Realtek HD audio drivers did nothing.
I just ordered a Sound Blaster PCIe card. It'll be here Friday. Not fooling with it anymore. In the meantime, my Logitech wireless USB headset will suffice.